Yep, you guessed it. It was prom night, I was wearing a white Greek inspired dress and I had a life time supply of body glitter all over my body. Rihanna doesnt know how to shine bright like a diamond until she has to wash glitter out of her unmentionable places. We roll into the venue of prom and there is a huge stage and not one person dancing on it. Everyone was kind of awkwardly standing around half touching each other. Almost like if physical touch could whisper. The men were wondering if Mountain Dew really does attribute to low sperm count because they used it as a chaser before they got here so chances of their date getting pregnant should be low. And the girls were wondering if something was biting them in the ass or if their glitter had traveled down and turned sideways and was cutting into their butt skin. I looked at the stage as an invitation to grind up against people I haven't shared more than 5 words with all of my highschool life and blame it on the music and fake drunk I was going to pretend to be. I looked around at everyone and I knew it was going to take one brave soul to get people on the stage. One brave, sexy, funny, kind, animal loving, Greek white dress wearing Goddess to GET THE PARTY STARTED. So, I said f*ck it and I ran up there, by myself and just WENT FOR IT. I started dancing, laughing, closing my eyes and trying to see if I could feel the music. But to be honest I am Irish German, the only music that makes my body move has a fiddle in it. I had lead the way, I knew that as soon as people saw me dancing that they would all invade the stage and I would have indeed "got the party started".
However, you know that moment I told you about when I closed my eyes and felt the music? Well, I opened my eyes to find myself still alone on stage. No one had joined me. I had sadly not got the party started. Not only had I not started the party, but my date ditched me the rest of the night. He was from a different school so he had a whole new school of boobs to try to grab. But, lets go back to the moment I said f*ck it.
You know when people say "I live by this life motto 'it's not whether you fall down but whether you get back up' or 'stand up for something or you will fall for anything'" Well thats cute. I made my own motto up after I went jet skiing in Mexico and I turned back to my sister and said "hold on tight, im gonna see how fast this thing can go" and then proceeded to get to top speed and throw us both off the jet ski and it was AWESOME. I told myself this was it, I had found my motto "live life full throttle". Yet most often I have found myself in situations where I am saying "f*ck it" more than I am saying "YEA FULL THROTTLE I LOVE FOUR LOKOS".
Things I have forever said f*ck it to:
-living up to someone else's standards of me
-attempting to live a "comfortable" life
-not pursing social media in fear of someone thinking im vein
-being polite when I shut down men that offend me
-hating my body
Understand, each of these is more than just a one time f*ck it. Its a constant choice to ignore all the things that are telling me to adhere to some standard that makes my society comfortable. Especially the one about hating my body. This was a constant highlight for me because anything over a size 10 is constantly being told that we are unhealthy, we are lazy, we must eat junk food and soda all day and we are at such a high risk of all sorts of health issues. But the reality is people profit from you hating your body. Its all a ruse to make you want to change yourself and in order to change yourself you gotta pay for it. But as someone who has exhausted so many resources to try to figure out what's "wrong" with me because im thicker than your average Anna, I realized the only thing wrong is the thought that im not enough. So this was a BIG f*ck it because it makes me risk how people viewed me and how I viewed myself. I have three best friends all ranging from sizes 2-12 and all of them have their insecurities. I also work in an industry that has a lot of models and beautiful actresses, and guess what? They got the same list of insecurities as we all do. So that made me think "if almost every woman in the US hates their body, why do I have to be another one?" I don't want to be another one, its exhausting. Its haunting, soul sucking, terrifying and honestly dumb.
What would it look like if you said f*ck it to the things that hold you back? All those thoughts that you arent enough (educated, strong, wealthy, capable, smart etc) or all of the outfits you want to buy but dont because "someone of my size shouldn't be wearing this". What would just one day of your life look like if you said f*ck it to all the things that make you not just go for it. Honestly, take a moment and think about how many stages you want to run up on and just go “whatever, they’ll get over it”
I am not claiming to be the poster child for unwavering confidence but I am actively choosing to say FUCK it. Yep, no astric. Wanna know why I even had the astric? Because I was scared that all my church friends would think I'm some obscene, barbaric, immodest lost child of the night. But you know what? I don't care because my only duty on this earth is to be myself. Not be myself with society constraints on me, but be myself beyond limits. So I challenge you to remove your astrics and say fuck it in all the areas you need to free yourself. You might do it and open your eyes alone dancing on a stage, but at the end of the day who really remembers the spectators?
***please dont say fuck it to something stupid like shooting up a place. That is not what i mean and you know it. I swear to God if you take this blog and use it as an excuse to be a bad person.....ill put body glitter in your unmentionables***